the skinny.

weekly weigh-in no. 1

2010-02-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

one would think i would've rushed home and posted my first week success last night, but hubby had dinner ready again and asked me to watch TV with him. so, i agreed. after all he had cooked dinner the previous two nights.

so, my first weekly weigh in result:

-3

i was very happy with this number. now, my home scales said i was down -4.8, but - since i weighed in officially at my first WW meeting last Tuesday, I will go with their readings.

wonderful.

about my first meeting, i might try the earlier meeting or the meeting on Saturday morning. the meeting i attended was an older crowd. all nice enough, the leader included, but i need someone that is so excited and motivational, they could host an info-mercial. i need that to be successful. my leader from years ago was from Argentina, and she was the best. i sucessfully lost 40 lbs and didn't miss a meeting. i heard a little rumor that she is still in the area, perhaps i might find her.

this week's meeting was on motivation. how i needed to hear this. they talked about not loosing sight on how we feel when we first start our journey. the excitement. the feeling when our clothes start fitting better. the happiness that comes from compliments from people noticing our efforts. the excitement when we have during our first losses. each week we are not guaranteed a loss, some weeks, although everything is done perfectly, there could be a small gain. but if we remember the successes and the way all the positives make us feel, we will continue to stay focused.

this week, i will continue writing everything down. i've

really done great with this. journaling your food is the key.

i will make healthy choices this week.

Breakfast yesterday, Fiberone Poptart

3 points

lunch yesterday, was a orange and turkey on wheat.

6 points

Dinner, eh I didn't count points. I figured after a week well done, I splurged and used some of my weekly flex points.

My two weekly goals:

1. Staying motivated
2. Drink water.

confession no. 12

2010-02-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

i am really thirsty. but first,

i had a perfect day today. perfect. perfect. perfect. if i could actually DO a cartwheel, i would so do one. but, i'll save that for later.

something i have found myself stumbling over, are drinks. i am always thirsty. i haven't yet aquired the ability to drink water all day. in fact, i really need to work on that. but, i find myself drinking Coke Zero's alot. they are calorie and sugar free, yes. and zero points.... but are they really ok to drink, like 2-3 a day? i also am in love with chocolate milk. 8oz. of milk, 2 scoops of chocolate chilled over ice, yummy. but, i feel so guilty for wasting points on THAT. i try to justify it as "i need the calcium" but, 5 points for a drink? gah, i dunno. note: i don't like regular white milk unless served over ice and while washing down a peanut butter sandwich, which is not currently on my Points radar; so that's the whole drama with that.

so, this is my biggest struggle. maybe i will try new flavors of Crystal Lite. it's the whole fruity-water thing that i can't get past, such as Propel. maybe this is a good alternative:

caffeine and sugar free + mango & passion fruit = happy tastebuds.

0 Points

and maybe

but i don't really know if the Peach Passion is Caffeine or sugar free. but the thought of a big 'ol glass of ice and fresh peach slices. heavenly.

so, be cautious of those drinks [and condiments i've discovered] - you don't really want to waste points on that, do ya?

confession no. 11

2010-01-31T16:53:00.000-08:00

i kind-of, sort-of, had an ok day...and i'm happy with that.

let me explain.

insert, evidence A.

a big....

hot...

mess.....

fried porkchops

and the country spread.

fried....

buttered....

salted....

how it all began. we got a dinner invite to the in-laws earlier today. score! food and family.
but i instantly got nervous.
i knew the hot messes momma Jay cooks up and with this being my 5th day on plan,
i did not know how i could exit out gracefully, but i had only had 3 points at breakfast and so
figured i would be safe with my remaining points.
we get there, and daddy Jay wants me to make a home made apple pie.
what? no! but i did and it was pretty friendly, made with fresh canned apples and spices, a dab of butter and a splash of sugar. not disastrous. i actually got to bake my pork chop and scooped out my serving of potato salad before the mayo was added. i tried my best.

eh, not so much a hot mess here.

i did sneak a few bites of the pie and a bite of mashed potatoes. and i could've totally said no to the really bad stuff, but for my first weekend and my first big food event on plan, i was proud of myself.

i think i have this down. see, i can do this.

confession no. 10

2010-01-30T19:13:00.001-08:00

surgery is no longer an option.

in 2005, i wanted to get lapband. i began the process but our insurance discontinued coverage. i began the process again in late 2009. i went through all the required testing and all the office visits. i was so excited, i was going to be healthy. i was going to be skinny. but, we were required to take 3 pre-op informational classes, before a surgery date would be scheduled.

first, i was always borderline eligible; i could not loose any weight or i would not qualify for surgery. second, i kind of was scared. this was kind of a big deal. but i had mentally prepared myself and i was ready. but when i walked in the first class, i realized that perhaps this was an easy way out. looking around the room, i didn't need a life altering operation, when all i needed to do was eat healthy and exercise. note: with surgery, you have to eat healthy and exercise.

i left knowing i had to do this. i had to stop making excuses. i had to make many changes, that would allow for a healthy lifestyle.

this is where my journey started.

confession no. 9

2010-01-30T15:07:00.000-08:00

weight watchers rock!

these are daily confessions of my personal weight loss journey. to catch you up to speed, i've had a weight loss blog since October and after i gave it a fresh new look, i decided to move it over to connect with my personal blog. i figured i would do better at updating.

i start by giving myself a [huge] pat on the back. i finally re-joined weight watchers this week. after weeks of "i'm going to" and weeks of only seeing the scale slowly inch up higher and higher and after months of writing excuse after excuse, i did it. and, on an even happier note, i have successfully made it past the "first-three-days-are-the-roughest" challenge. we all can relate, right? how many times have you said, "I'll start over again Monday"? only to repeat yourself come, eh, Wednesday?

the program has changed greatly since 2004, in which i lost 40 pounds, by just simply following the plan. i maintained my weightloss for over two years. this really is the greatest plan ever and why it took me three years to go back, i dunno. yes, im mad at myself for that. but, im doing great. and im doing it with my mom. she is down 16, in 5 weeks. fabulous motivation!

i kind-of-sort-of snuck and weighed yesterday morning and was down a little. [smile] my weekly weigh-in day is Tuesday, at 6:30p.

you can join now for free, by going here, through march.

confession no. 8

2010-01-24T18:31:00.000-08:00

good, good, better.

i've not done great. but i've not done bad.
maybe i've not really done anything at all.
it's always excuses.
i see a pattern.
i know what i need.
1. support
2. motivation
3. a buddy
i have got to [insert will] make it to weight watchers this week.
i will be surrounded by support and motivated buddies.
perfect.

confession no. 7

2010-01-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

i suck. bad.

this blog entry is embarrassing.
but to be held accountable, i shall confess.
i have done horrible since my last post. i have only gained and feel ridiculous. if i had to blame something other than myself, i would direct it toward my eight-months at the hospital. food was easily available, all day long...and after 3, very long twelve-hour days, i would come home and hit the couch and not really move from there. i always wonder and have asked several times....how i can be doing so good, loosing weight, getting compliments, feeling on top of the world - and it slowly comes crashing down.
with all other aspects of my life back to normal, happy, and wonderful - i have made a new commitment to loose 50 lbs this year, 30 by my anniversary in April. that's obtainable.
i did hit the gym a couple of times with one of my bf's a few weeks ago, but since, neither of us have been back.
with a definite change in life and lifestyle, i am ready to accomplish this.

confession no. 6

2009-10-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

i had major will power.

this isn't easy, but i have done it.
for two days in a row, i have done it.
i have succeeded.
last night, after my yummy yum Healthy Choice Meatloaf meal, i sat on the couch and watch sweet hubbs eat beef tips and rice. the smell. the meat. the carbs. i moseyed into the kitchen and weakness fell over me. i had 2 bites of meat and a spoonful of rice. this took my remaining 3 points for the day.
it was so good. i fixed a bowl and went to the living room, plopped down on the couch.
& it was then, out of the corner of my eye, i was being stared at. & it was then i heard the voice of reason, "what are you doing? what are you thinking? how are you going to ruin a perfect day?"
i began to cry. i slammed the bowl down on the table.
as ridiculous as this sounds, it was so hard to not eat that bowl of food!
i didn't want to say no! and i was mad. i wanted it.
but he took it. put it up. and after i realized how silly i was, i was so grateful that he loves me that much to
understand what i am going through and help me in my weak moments.
and i am happy to say that i did end the day, a perfect day.

Weigh-in day, today:

-6

confession no. 5

2009-10-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

we officially broke up.
this long standing relationship, this addiction to food....it's over.
for months now, i wanted to end this abusive hold that controls me.
i wanted to go back to six-months ago, when i last walked on the treadmill,
and last wrote my entry in my food journal.
i wanted to go back and start over.
but just like a drug user, the next fix was more important.
i love the biggest looser.
this past week's show was powerful and Julian said something that
slapped me in the face,"why are you addicted to failure?"
it is what it is. i am addicted to failing, because i have failed.
and i continue to fail; twelve pounds is proof.
yesterday, was a perfect day.
i didn't fail.
i journaled everything. my points were perfect. i fought the hunger pains.
i ignored the munchie signals.
it was a good day.
it was a success. i did not fail.

confession no. 4

2009-10-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

i think im a failure.

i hate myself, right now, in this moment.
i have done absolutely nothing since i started this blog.
nothing.
infact, i think i probably have gained weight.
honestly, i know i have.
the scales don't lie, right?
how could i be so motivated, or thought to be motivated, to gain more.
more inches. more pounds.
why do i fail.
how can i choose hunger over happiness and health?
i have gained a total of 13 pounds back, since I lost the 25 earlier this year.
i am sick. disgusted. hurt.
not today. no more.
no more will i choose food over what i know to do.
no more will it rule my life, during sadness. anger. happiness. celebration.
no more.
it stops here.
i will own this.
i will do this.
& i will suceed.
for the first time since, the above said start of this blog -
i measured my food this morning. i calculated my points.
it starts here.

confession no. 3

2009-10-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

calories are sneaky.
yes, indeed.
like normal people, i think a salad is the healthiest lunch -
i could grab on the go.
sadly, that isn't the case and can easily consume my daily total in one meal.
i surely dont want to have to wait til tomorrow, to eat again.
you've heard this before, i know.
that was just a friendly reminder.
the first few days are so hard.
the hunger pains that consume your tummy; then your mind.
the nagging feeling that eventually breaks you down -
where you consider running and getting a snack.
all the water that you know you need to drink, looks even more
unappealing that it did yesterday.
why does this have to be so hard?

confession no. 2

2009-10-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

i had a brilliant weekend.
a brilliant weekend made-up of all things fall:
football. homemade chili. pumpkin patch. cornmaze.
carving pumpkins. weenie roast. s'mores.
for all intensive purporses: the graham crackers used were low-fat.
today is my first official day back.
yesterday, was my last day to-eat-what-i-wanted-to, day.
& i did, but not overly.
i count calories. also,
weight watchers worked so well before;
here's to the second, and final, round.

[a better picture - maple lane farms, october 19]

confession no. 1

2009-10-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

i am a fat ass.

this isn't news to me.

its something that i know,

and totally obsess about, really.

however, until i see an actual picture of me, it is what it is.

because looking in the mirror, i see pretty eyes. cute hair. nice clothes.
i don't see the actual jelly belly, the gross gut. the chins.

i hate pictures.
full-view-of-myself-pictures; they suck.

but honesty can be ugly sometimes. & i need that.

thanks for slapping me in the face this morning, pictures.

pic -[messy morning hair & 237lb]

my confessions

2009-10-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

i am here by accident.

i did not know there was a entire world of weight management blogs.

at this moment in time, i am happy.

so happy.

as my journey begins, i am so excited at the community that awaits me.

briefly, i have challenged weight, most by adult life.

i recently lost about twenty-pounds however, have gained about seven back.

& that frustrates me so.

i am on top of the world when i am loosing.

i love when the clothes fit better. & when people begin to notice.

i forget how much i have to go, & only realize how much i've lost.

and how great i feel. and the energy i have.

but, suddenly.

somehow.

it all seems to slow down.

and here i am, starting over. again.

i am to blame.

but to place blame elsewhere, i blame lack of motivation.

lack of a support group.

i have family. friends. they are great.

we know when one is traveling the journey with you - it makes it better. & seem worth it.

i await new friends. new support.

hello, friend.

2009-10-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

checking in.

as i write to you, i am munching down on dried apples.

healthy blogging, right?

fertility tries have been placed on hold.

so this is the new skinny; err, blog.

it will be fun and fabulous.

i still have a few miles before my goal.

but.

i will enjoy all of life - until i get there.

happiness is what i like best.

fall is here. winter around the corner.

this mean: cute clothes. yummy recipes.

im happy.